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These are some of the statements that I hear from women in my profession as a sex and marriage therapist. Often what lies beneath these statements are feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, and fear. Many women feel broken but try and suffer through it by having sex any way—or they find ways to avoid it as much as possible.
Sometimes that is tolerable for a while, but slowly over time, a more pronounced sexual aversion can occur. And when that happens, often all sexual intimacy screeches to a halt. Both partners are left feeling frustrated, disconnected, and hopeless. Brain researcher Dr. It means journaling about how you feel about sexual intimacy, how you feel about your body, what your past experiences have been, what things have impacted you along the way in your sexual development, what assumptions you brought with you to your sexual relationship.
Journaling about what healthy sexuality Ladies want sex Allgood intimacy look like to you and what consent means to you, even within a marriage relationship. It might also mean going to see a therapist. The brakes screech sexual desire to a halt with too many responsibilities and too much stress.
This could range from childhood sexual abuse to sexual assault. In cases such as this, she is avoiding being physically or emotionally hurt, feeling trapped in the relationship, or is being pressured. Healing past trauma is an important step for many women in developing a more fulfilling sexual relationship. There are ways to heal from your sexual trauma. You do not have to suffer in silence. A trained trauma therapist can help you work through your experiences.
In addition to sexual trauma, there may be some relationship issues preventing your body from being able to open up sexually. If there is abuse or mistreatment in the relationship, not wanting to have sex with the abusive partner is a healthy natural response! Addressing these types of issues in therapy is essential. Marriage and couple therapists can help you set appropriate boundaries in your relationship, so Ladies want sex Allgood are more empowered.
If there is abuse, that can also be addressed, and the partner can be held able for their actions. When you are intimate with your partner it is because you are giving full consent and actively choosing to be sexual. Many women are much more willing and eager to open up sexually if they are feeling emotionally connected to their partner. Sometimes having a good deep conversation with your partner prior to sexual intimacy can be just the catalyst necessary to open up sexually.
In other situations, building the relationship and emotional intimacy together is a necessary condition for many women to experience desire. Stress, anxiety, and depression cause more than half of women to lose interest in sexual intimacy. The key to managing stress and anxiety is to allow the stress response cycle to complete.
Emotions are like tunnels: You need to walk all the way through the darkness to reach light at the end. Chronic stress that does not complete the cycle just builds and builds contributing to sickness, chronic fatigue, and lack of sexual pleasure. When we numb our emotions with drugs, shopping, social media, food, etc. Science tells us that sleep, exercise, affection, meditation, yoga, tai chi, journaling, body self-care, and sunshine all help to facilitate the completion of the stress response cycle. Taking effective action is an act of self-compassion and self-kindness which promotes emotional and sexual health.
What are your top three stressors? How can you tell you are stressed? What happens in your body? If there is a ificant amount of pain think about a 3 or more on a point scale during sex, you should see your OBGYN for an assessment to check for scar tissue or other issues that may be contributing to painful sex.
There are things that can be done for sexual pain. Pushing through pain will only serve to re-traumatize you as your body will begin to associate sex with pain which then may create an unconscious sexual aversion. Sex does not need to be painful!
Even for women where more complex physical issues are contributing to pain, there are a host of professionals, including sex therapists and pelvic floor physical therapists that are trained to get to the root cause of the pain and find real solutions. Imagine sexual intimacy as a large umbrella with many options that fit underneath that umbrella. The standard story we see expressed in media is that sexual desire just appears. You are walking down the street, you see an attractive person and boom—desire.
This means that some people only begin to want sex only after sensual things are already happening. Context Dependent means many factors in any given moment contribute to sexual desire or not—but it feels spontaneous. Think accelerators and brakes. Allow yourself time to feel and get in touch with your emotions. Make the quest for pleasure more of a rule than the exception. Sexual desire cannot be forced. It is not something we put in our planner to command ourselves to feel on demand. We nurture it by allowing ourselves to manage our stress and slow down enough to enjoy life in general.
Make a Ladies want sex Allgood of your own pleasurable desires ie. Long and luxurious baths, candles, listening to sexy music, trying on new clothes. Have exactly the food you want to have, go for a nature walk, shop in a store, meet up with some friends, take an exotic vacation, get a massage, dance.
When planning your schedule, make room for fun and self-care. Often women lose their sense of sexual autonomy through messages they internalize from a young age. Unfortunately, this carries over into sexual intimacy, and sexual intimacy can become less satisfying and less pleasurable—which translates into less desire. Duty kills desire. So, recognize your right to sexual pleasure. Ladies want sex Allgood sexual intimacy enhances your life.
So much about reclaiming your sexual desire is tied closely to reclaiming your independence. What times in your life or in your relationship have you felt most turned on and in tune to your sexuality?
What things feel good to you now? Share this with your partner. Less than one third of women will orgasm consistently through penetration alone. Two-thirds of women will sometimes, rarely, or never orgasm with penetration alone. If you are unfamiliar with your body and what turns you on, learn more. Exploring your body and its response, reading books some recommendations at the end of the articleand having love-making sessions that are slow-paced and focused on your pleasure are all good places to start.
You are beautiful. Your body is beautiful. Your sexuality is beautiful. Claim the womanly art of loving your body. What is your own special brand of beauty?
What makes you uniquely beautiful—to yourself? Make a list of what makes you beautiful and post it where you will see it. I am sexual. I am enough. I exude radiance.
I choose sex or not. Sexuality comes naturally. Nails, shoes, clothes, hair, workout, good hygiene, etc. If you are one of the majority of women who Ladies want sex Allgood experience desire in rare situations and you want to experience more sexual desire in your relationship, then it might be time to figure out your specific brakes and accelerators with as much detail as possible. No two people are alike. Every woman is unique.
Share these with your partner and ask for help in changing the context. Experiment with different modifications to see what things make a difference in your sexual desires. According to research, hormones are probably not the most likely culprit of low sexual desire stress, depression, anxiety, trauma, and attachment issues are the biggest culpritsbut there could be real physical conditions for low sexual desire.
Changes through menopause, recently giving birth, and other issues can also ificantly contribute to low desire. Seeing your doctor, at the very least, could rule out undiagnosed conditions, hormonal imbalances, or other physical causes of low desire. Sometimes—most times—women will not experience spontaneous desire. Sex begets sex.
Research suggests that women who remain sexually active after childbearing years have high levels of testosterone. Higher levels of testosterone create higher sexual desire.Ladies want sex Allgood
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